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I\'m going to post two versions of this poem, so you guys can choose which lines you guys prefer. Here\'s how it will work:

1st poem = my edited and \"complete\" version.

2nd poem = unedited and without my revisions that I made today. it has some lines that I dislike and took out in the 2nd version of the poem.
As always, I\'d appreciate some suggestions and what you like about each.

Crumpled Paper (1st Version - \"Good Copy\")

Rays of sunshine
the rippling of her golden hair
A creature so divine
A lady so fair
I wish she was all mine

Skin smooth as silk
To tame the fiercest creature
To lap up babes’ milk
You must go see her

A smile with ruby lips
Without the prickly thorn
A touch of fingertips
So soft and warm
O, angel of celestial origin
An entity so pure
A sip of God’s heaven
That I am sure.

The worlds living in your eyes
Breath fire to become a candle
That twinkles like the dusky skies
Speaks of carefree splendor
A slipstream of silent dreams
when die rolled in my favour
Or so it would seem.

Does it get lonely on the moon?
Up so high and above?
Without words to swell and swoon
Without the tenderness of love
How can it hang there on its own?
Without the magician’s trance
Of being together, yet so hopelessly alone?

I went up high
Past pillow clouds of bluey sheets
To show my affection
Into an orange sun of lazy streaks
But your light gave me direction

The rainbow of vibrant colour
Was present today
Off went the obedient soldier
Well on my way
Lead to my prize
And there she sat
With lovely eyes
My heart hovered
I\'d found my pot of gold.

The girl that I enamour
A seraph so fine
Protects me like a suit of armour
Like sweet wine

But I\'m a prisoner of my organic beating chamber
In frozen motion
Waiting for love to start whilst I rot in deep slumber
In deep devotion
Lying with soothing satin
The red sheets remind me of my Valentine
And my deep passion
Her lonliness and buried feelings
And what is and what could be mine.

Crumpled Paper (2nd Version)

Rays of sunshine
With the rippling of golden hair
A creature so divine
 * I must stop to stare / You must meet her / Forces me to stare *
I wish she were all mine

Skin smooth as silk
To tame the fiercest creature
To lap up babes’ milk
To think that her worst feature.

A smile with ruby lips
Without the prickly thorn
A soft touch of fingertips
Angel of celestial origin
An entity so pure
A sip of God’s heaven
That I am sure.

~~~~~

The worlds living in your eyes
Breath fire to become a candle
That twinkles like the dusky skies
Speak of carefree ~~~~~~
The slipstream of silent dreams
When fixed die rolled in my favour
Or so it would seem.

Does it get lonely on the moon?
* A planet without doves / past the heavens above / Being so high.. *
Without words to swell and swoon
Without the tenderness of love
How can it hang there on its own?
Without the magician’s trance
Of being together, yet so hopelessly alone?

I was curious
Passing a kaleiscopic rainbow’s mirage
You were vivicous
* with a halo glow *
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Passing psycheadelic peacocks and parrots of charm
~~~~~~~

I went up high
Past pillow clouds of bluey sheets
To show my affection
The sun went into streaks
But your light gave me direction

The girl that I enamour
A seraph so fine
Protects me like a suit of armour
Like sweet wine
* That pleases the mind *
* The soul chiseled to perfection. *

The rainbow of no colour
Was present today
Went the obedient soldier
Well on my way
I was lead to my prize
The spot was marked
With lovely eyes
~~~~~~
Straight to my pot of gold.
(Note: somewhere in here are the lines * blinding aura / homing beacon / by your golden hair / I saw a girl / one with the flora / sat an angel *

But I’m a prisoner of my organic beating chamber
Frozen in half-step
Waiting for love to start whilst I rot in deep slumber
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lying with soothing satin
* Inside the confines of my own wild garden *
~~~~~~~~~~~
Red sheets remind me of my Valentine
~~~~~~~~~ * of her lonliness and longing *
Of what is and what could be mine.

[Edited by MoonKnight on 08-09-2001 at 03:04 PM]

Thank you!!!

I\'ve spent the last 4 - 6 days revising this one poem. I really like this girl, but she has started giving me mixed signals and it\'s driving me insane. I wrote this poem just for her... She usually has blonde hair, so I tried placing some of her attributes into the poem and see what creative ways I can describe her. It\'s strange, but just by talking to her I feel a lot happier... I\'ve never had that feeling before when I just talk to a girl for ten minutes or so.

I find that I have to go to a tremendous amount of effort and patience if I have to write a poem that takes longer than an hour to write. My mind suffers from creative exhaustion after a while, and nothing seems to come to me.

Btw, the \"~~~\" are lines that are either missing a whole line or a word/a few syllables, so I wrote those in and changed other lines around them to tighten the poem. The asteriks (*) are lines that I thought up but didn\'t use. A few lines in the 2nd poem aren\'t in the first, since they seemed to halt the \"flow\" of the whole poem.

To be honest, I never was really good at writing poetry, and I prefered to write short stories. It has only been within the past 2 - 3 weeks that I decided that I wanted to take a stab at poetry and it\'s been fun.